\input tex
\twelvepointdunhill

Dear most fuckable and lovable Joshua,

Your letter came at the perfect time. I've been feeling a little
bummed out about our house lately. I'll tell you about it later, after
it unfolds a bit more. Partly it has to do with Greta and me.  Partly
with people not carrying their weight (truck falling to pieces, etc).
And not a small part is: maybe I'm expecting too much.  It's hard to
tell what's reasonable and what's not. I keep thinking of moving out.
I am not sure how serious I am -- I really did have plans to move to
Albuquerque this past spring for similar reasons\footnote*{While I
still want to live in New Mexico ``someday'' meeting you have changed
everything quite literally. I certainly won't be going anywhere you
won't be!} -- the idea truly scares me. But my stress level has risen
to the usual high level, and I don't fucken like it. It's a long
story, I'm certainly guilty too but not exclusively\dots

I don't have any money, and I haven't got any leads on jobs yet.
There's a real disaster forming in the FidoNet, in Europe, a small
bunch of creeps and fundamentalists are attempting to hijack their
portion of the network, and trying to cut out sexually-explicit and
other conferences using the usual ``family values'' crap. England is
already way far gone to the fundies. This will probably be my last
involvement in the FidoNet, fighting this war. Fuck.

You are what keeps me from getting too bummed out. I could almost take
your letter, put my name on it, and send it to you! Sexually, you are
completely part of my life, with no reservations. I crave you daily,
you dominate my dreams and masturbation fantasies (very punny). 

I'm glad you mentioned trust; I guess that's what is different to me
too. Right from the start I felt like I knew you and could trust you.
I feel like I could tell you anything, and I'm confident if shit comes
up between us we can deal with it, whatever it might be, because we
can trust each other. All I have to do is think about you and I smile.
You make me happy just knowing you think about me.I am proud to know
you and to be your friend -- you are smart, beautiful, and you are
self-aware and conscious of your relationships. You seem to think very
clearly and carefully. Plus you are sexier than anyone I have ever
met. You are doing things now that I am just starting to be able to
do, sexually and emotionally, and only until I met you. I really
didn't think I would meet anyone like you, ever. I think we're a
complementary pair! Up until we met, I was starting to believe there
was no one I could share everything with; always it seems there was
something I had to withhold. Not with you!

All I can think of as I walk around the city is being with you. I look
at everything I do anew since meeting you. I don't know what I want to
do next with my life, but I know I want to do it with you. The only
thing in my life that is constant is you, and waiting for you to get
here is the only thing I'm looking forward to. In the mean time, I'm
rethinking my life, what things I want to keep, which to get rid of.
Whatever I do I want it to be with you. 

I guess I'm over the insecurity thing too, of thinking you're gonna
find some cute boy on Broadway to fuck instead of me. Generalized
insecurity. 

AND ANOTHER THING -- I  love your letters! They are not exaggerated or
insincere! I think I know what you mean though, about how it feels
funny to write mushy stuff, but I think it's because we're socially
ripped off, we're taught it's stupid and ridiculous to say sexy or
mushy or any positive feelings. It is not ridiculous -- I love your
letters! Your letters warm my heart and the days I get them are better
than other days. And you can touch me all the time, I love it when you
touch me, and I love to touch you. I love the constant reassurance, it
communicates so much to me.

I need you to hold me now. I feel so stressed and unsupported by
anything or anyone here right now, your touch would change everything,
but even just knowing you're there, and that I'll probably talk to you
soon and get another letter and eventually SEE YOU in two weeks really
helps a lot. Bye for now! I love you!

\bye
