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Josh --

It's midnight Sunday, I just finished FidoNews, and I'm eating a whole
box of DUTCH APPLE BARS which were in  a going-away ``care package''
some friend of Valerie's gave her, and Valerie hated.

Today I went to the Dore Street Fair, one of the three annual fag
street fairs (Dore, Castro and Folsom). It's kinda small, a few
hundred people at a time. Dore and Folsom Sts.~are ``South of
Market'', once the main fag sex club area (industrial area). This one
was populated mostly by leather daddie-types; office workers by day,
virile macho man by night -- or weekend fag event. The usual stiff,
shiny and excessive leather, cop/baseball/fag moustache. Lots of
little leather vests and boots. I guess it's OK, I shouldn't make fun
of it. 

WEEERD! My ex-boyfriend Paul Ray ({\it way} ex -- we met when I was
18, he moved to San Fran about 5 years ago) (think I told you a tiny
bit about him) was there with his boyfriend Massa (spelling? He's
Japanese).  They have an awful battering relationship, which for Paul,
alas, is typical. (Nope, he never hit me nor vice versa. Though he was
violent, and it all ended when he had a huge screaming fit (over what
I've forgotten!) at my parents house. We were about 22.) He had on one
of those too-expensive leather harnesses, and they are buying a house
near Cape Cod (Taxachusetts)! He's become a big guppie! (He has been
heading that direction for a few years now\dots) And one in Florida!
He drives new cars! And complains about street people being lazy! And
I used to fuck him! Will wonders never cease!

I now have a stomach ache from all the cookies. I ate nearly half the
package. Yuck!

I wore my SISSY shirt, dog collar, my wool baseball hat with a big
``E'' on it (you never saw it) and those red sunglasses and shorts.
Very stylin' at this particular event.

I thought of nothing but you all day long as always, only worse
somehow, as I was walking around the Fair and in the Castro earlier
(where I met Larry-Bob, who gave me a lift to the Fair). I talked his
ear off for no particular reason. Of course about you. I do try to
restrain myself so people won't avoid me.

As you can see I have no point to make, I'm merely rambling.

I had an incredibly intense orgasm with you on the phone Friday night
(I think it was). It was pretty much simultaneous with yours I think.
Somehow it felt like I was inside your head at that moment. It made
me feel much less remote from you the next day, too.

You appeared in a somewhat complex dream I had last night (Saturday
night). I still remember it. We were in a gun store, at a table in the
middle of a room, with Herc (prez of the Chabot Gun Club) behind the
table. We had been talking. You came up to me and grabbed me and
kissed and groped and fondled me. I was embarrassed because this was
rude under the circumstances (I felt) and I was afraid of what Herc
would say. This was doubled by the fact I had on (apparently the whole
time) only a white T-shirt and now I had a partial hardon sticking
out. Odd huh? Analyze as you wish. (It was probably not a coincidence
that Sunday morning was the August Three-Gun Combat shoot and BBQ,
which I skipped without notice. I had thought of Herc that day
(Saturday).)

You are in my life constantly, even though you are not here. I wanted
so badly to be walking around holding hands with you today. Even
though it's a complete fucken drag that we are apart, you make me
happy just knowing you're there. I love you so much! I think about you
and even reach for you sometimes when I'm sleeping, which is the
saddest. I miss tasting you, your sweat and your cum. Even as I just
walk around, remembering you (constantly!) fills me with a sort-of
calm and excitement at the same time. Knowing you love me gives me
confidence in some basic way that is new to me. Knowing you has
changed the way I live, it made me rethink the importance of the
things in my day to day life. So many things don't seem very
important compared to being with you.

I want to have sex with you on the rocks at Toxic Golf. Up on the
closed-off quake-damaged freeways. I want to suck your dick anytime
you tell me to. I want you to reach into my shorts and grab my dick
hard. Push me down and sit on my chest, stick your hard dick in my
mouth. Sit me on the ground and pee on my crotch, your hot piss
soaking through my pants to my dick. Rub your cock on my face and cum
into my mouth!

I better stop now -- I am so tired I cannot stay awake, and I want to
mail this to you first thing in the morning. I'm sorry this is such a
wimpy letter. I promise to send more soon.

I love you as much or more than ever! I will be watching the calendar
until you get here in August.

\bye
